I Like Me Some Astronaut Babies
by Crackfics-ftw
Summary: The destiny of a battle-scarred pirate looks bleak until he's offered a chance at love by a gorgeous stranger.  Warning: AU, lemon, yaoi
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I am quite certain that we do not own any of these characters... otherwise our show would be exactly like this! (enter Gangsta' Yami) 'Fo sho mang!"

I Like Me Some Astronaut Babies.

It was a typical gloomy night at 'Yami's Pirate Only Bar-rrr', where only pirates were welcome. Pirate Bakura, a regular, sat in his regular spot. It was the best spot; for he could see everything. He was sipping on his pirates ale when he spotted the strangest sight. A cowboy with the goldest of gold locks like the sunken treasure in the stomach of a narwhal, intruded Yami's PIRATES ONLY Bar-rrr.

"Who da fuck do you think you is?" Gangsta-Pirate Yami spat.

"Hey ya'll! I reckon I'd like me some whiskey." Cowboy Marik exclaimed.

"Get your chap less ass out of my bar, bitch."

"I reckon I ain't lookin' for a fight, ya'll."

Gangsta-Pirate Yami quickly made a lasso-like motion, signaling the beating of the cowboy intruder. Pirate Bakura watched with impassive eyes as many buff, shitless, pirate men began to surround the daft cowboy. A tall man with a shit ton of pirate, care bear tattoos took the first punch, knocking the cowboy unconscious. Damn, that's a harsh beating.

Pirate Bakura continued watching as the buff, shirtless, pirate men continued about their shady business, kicking the victim as they passed. Bakura quickly finished his pirate ale and made his way towards the bruised and battered cowboy. He grabbed a hold of the eye-catching and surprisingly silky strands.

"Ey yo! Where you takin' dat punk ass bitch?" Gangsta-Pirate Yami yelled.

Pirate Bakura turned with a pirate glare, "None of your business, lowlife..." He exited the bar, Cowboy Marik in tow.

With gangsta tears brimming his eyes, Gangsta-Pirate Yami choked out, "Damn, what an inspirational pirate man."

* * *

><p>Pirate Bakura was a revered pirate man and his ship reflected his reputation. His ship was an epitome of death. The sails were as black as ink with golden, narwhal penises etched into the cloth. He likes him some narwhals and some penis. His vessel was large, like his pirate package, which he planned to use that evening... Cannons of awesome lined the sides, ready for battle.<p>

When they reached the ramp, Cowboy Marik was instantly dropped.

Pirate Bakura unlocked the simple lock attached to the ramp and prepared to open the cabin door. He then started a series of complex stretches, as if preparing for a marathon. With his legs warmed up and limber, he descended onto burned numbers on the floorboards. The captain showed great athleticism as he dramatically worked his way through the epic hopscotch course. At the end of the course was a giant red button. Pirate Bakura made his way towards the obnoxious button, pressing it with subtle excitement... gaaayyyy. If You Wanna Be My Lover began playing loudly from the speakers conveniently attached near the cabin door. His body began to move to the beat in an erotic manner. Slim, sexy hips gyrated to the beat, giving his watching crew all extreme hard-on's.

Gangsta-Pirate Yami waved as he passed by into the ship's cabin.

Finally unlocking the cabin door, Pirate Bakura pranced back to drag Cowboy Marik with him. As the pair reached the entrance, a voice called out to them.

"Who da hell are you, mang?"

Bakura rolled his eyes in impatience.

The voice called out again, "What's the password, yo?"

"NARWHALS!"

The cabin door opened with a groan.

"Welcome back, Captain Bakura." Gangsta-Pirate Yami grinned.

* * *

><p>Upon entering the pirate Captain's room was a massive narwhal shaped bed accompanied by satin, narwhal penis sheets sat in the center. The bed posts had been intricately carved with a woodland theme, gold plated leaves spiraling to the peak. Thick red velvet curtains lined the sides of the canopy and silky, golden curtains accenting around the top. The bed was supported by a solid oak frame elaborately designed to match the posts, gold plating included.<p>

The walls were stained in black and red as if a grotesque pirate battle had just taken place. Ornate furniture pieces were placed decoratively around the room giving it a feng shui feel.

Damn! That's a lavish room!

Pirate Bakura gently laid his Cowboy Goldie Locks down onto the sleek sheets of his sexy penis bed. He prepared to raise the sails. Stripping Cowboy Marik of his tattered gear, he eyed his treasure greedily. His eyes first spotted a firm, chiseled, six-pack on acres of tanned skin, begging to be marked by his yellowed teeth. The pirate peeled off the tight, chap-less pants revealing a pliable buttocks. Reaching for his lube, he readied his ship for departure.

Cowboy Marik opened his eyes upon a prickly prick of a feeling in his asshole. It was a pleasant prickly prick feeling. But not really. With a groan of protest, he tried squirming away from the rapist, unsuccessfully. He craned his neck to face his assaulter. Pirate Bakura bore a smug smirk.

"You're not going nowhere...I got you for three whole minutes. It's rape time..."

Cowboy Marik screamed and screamed, wishing for the brutal plundering of his sunken treasure to be over. Wham! Bam! Boom! Thank you sir. The ship had been docked and the treasure, found.

In exhaustion, Pirate Bakura shoved the cowboy off his beauteous bed onto hard, wood floors.

Cowboy Marik reflected briefly before he succumbed into unconsciousness. "Damn my ass hurts...and it's a little chilly down here."

As if reading the victim's thoughts, a heavy, down blanket settled on chilled shoulders.

* * *

><p>To be continued...<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

The sun came streaming through sheer curtains in a picturesque fashion of orange and gold, waking Marik from his slumber. Blinking sleep from his lavender eyes, his senses returned to him. The first thing he noticed was a giant, golden spider crawling towards him, a wicked smile on his spider face. His spider senses tingled and he quickly dodged the incoming assault! Fearing for his life, he sprinted towards the bathroom seeking refuge in the hot tub from the creepy creeper with memories of the previous night as his only company.

* * *

><p>The sun came streaming through sheer curtains in a picturesque fashion of orange and gold, waking Bakura from his slumber. Blinking sleep from his chocolate eyes, his senses returned to him. The first thing he noticed was his missing butt buddy. He quickly scoured the room, seeing his evil pet spider, Salvisar who told him what he needed.<p>

"Check the hot tub, young Master."

* * *

><p>"WHAT THE BLOOD Y HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" The captain snapped.<p>

Marik waved lazily, "Just having some sexy Jacuzzi time in your narwhal penis Jacuzzi with Salvisar, ya'll."

Bakura whipped his head towards his loyal subject sending glistening, platinum locks twirling in a gaudy manner. "Say it ain't so, bro..." His eyes shinned with unshed tears of betrayal.

"M-master, HE LIES!" Salvisar exclaimed, quickly wrapping a towel around his spider waist as bubbles dripped down his head.

Bakura turned back to Marik, "How DARE you try and bring my loyal servant into your cowboy hoo-haw madness!"

The captain then began to strip of his nightwear, climbing into the bubbling hot tub of sexy to join his cowboy "companion". Marik stealthily plucked his secret stash of super sedatives from behind his ear. It was a perfect place to hide sedatives because who looks behind the ears? The cowboy offered the pill to the captain who took it gladly, thinking it was a candy, and proceeded to pass out. Score one for the cowboy.

Marik grinned mischievously, propping the unconscious captain into butt rape position. He'd been planning his revenge ever since yesterday evening when he was carelessly tossed on the floor. Extracting his bottle of bacon grease from his chaps, he quickly lathered his cowboy penile organ and took a whiff. Mmmmmmm! Delicious bacon!

Suddenly, Pirate Captain Bakura's head popped up. "Whoa! That was a most unique candy! W-what ya doing there?"

But the captain's question was ignored for Marik had already begun to saddle the horse and herd the sheep!

"NOOOOOO! LUBALLUBALLUBALLUBA-OUUUUUUCH!"

* * *

><p>Salvisar cringed as he heard his master's mortifying screams of pain and suffering. A solitary tear slid down his spider face in empathy for his master as he continued watching his most beloved television program.<p>

* * *

><p>Wham, bam, boom! Thank you sir! The campfire had been extinguished and the bacon, cooked.<p>

"Marik...I think I'm pregnant and you're the father!"

"Bakura...that could not possibly be my child for we have never eloped. Besides, everyone knows you must be joined in matrimony for a child to even be conceived, ya'll. You're probably just sea sick."

"You're absolutely right!" Bakura then proceeded to consult with his pirate buddy, Pegasus, shirtless.

* * *

><p>One hour later.<p>

Bakura hunched over, his stomach bulging in pain. He rapped on Pegasus' door with his immaculate winged horse doorknocker. Salvisar answered, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yes, I need to speak with Grand Master Pegasus, immediately."

"Of course. Right this way, sir."

Bakura then whipped out his cane, one hand on his protruding stomach, and followed the spider down the lavish hall.

* * *

><p>Another hour later...<p>

Pegasus began to hear the struggling grunts of his faithful servant, Salvisar. "Hmmmmm-I-wonder-what-that-sound-is..."

A polite knock disrupted his thoughts. "Hmmmmmmmmm-come-in."

On shaking spider knees, Salvisar crawled into Pegasus' medical center where he happened to be lounging on the gurney. His faithful servant collapsed into unconsciousness as Bakura rolled off his escort's back and onto his feet to greet Grand Master Pegasus.

"I'm experiencing some nausea and have come to the conclusion that it may be sea sickness."

"Hmmmmmmmmm. You could be correct."

Pegasus ushered Bakura onto the lone gurney and began his examination. Bakura's water broke.

"Hmmmmmmmmmm. You may be pregnant."

"How is this possible? What is this blasphemy! I'm a virgin and I've never been married! Everyone knows that's the only way to get pregnant!"

Pegasus walked over to the medical station to put on his blue, Pegasus patterned surgical gloves.

Bakura watched Pegasus nervously. "W-what are you doing?"

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm- nothing. There's just something hmmmmmmmmmmmm stuck in your mangina. I'm just gonna pull it out."

"Oh ok." Pirate Captain Bakura brushed the news off easily, for a real man could handle things getting stuck in their vagina. And Bakura was truly a manly man man.

Pegasus then proceeded to thrust both hands into his mangina, yanking and pulling violently with all of his might to extract said stuck object.

Suddenly, Cowboy Marik burst into the room on the back of his ever faithful camel, Ishizu. "Hey ya'll, I heard Bakura was suffering from some slight sea sickness!"

One more mighty tug and out popped baby Gangsta Kaiba, shooting Pegusus in the left lung with his inscribed, chrome semi-automatic. "Where's my money, BITCH!"

"Lubalub" (_I dunno what you talkin' bout man! I don't have your money or your drugs!)_ Pegasus spewed out through the pain of his punctured lung.

"Oh really? What is that white stuff under your nose, bitch?"

" lualbualublau luablu luab" (_Powdered sugar, man_!)

"BITCH pleez! You tryin' to play me for a foo yo?" Kaiba whipped out his chrome masterpiece once more and shot the fool dead.

Pirate Bakura jumped off the operation table and ran towards his baby, scooping him up and holding him tightly to his chest. "You are such a beautiful baby boy!"

Cowboy Marik followed Bakura on Camel Ishizu, reaching out to pat Gansta Kaiba's head in affection. Gansta Kaiba bitch slapped him in repulsion.


End file.
